Cheating is just wrong. Most people would agree. Why do so many people cheat? You make up your mind to cheat long before you do it. After you make the decision, you look for reason to justify it.
He cheated on me. He spends too much time on his phone. He works too much. You can justify anything you want. Threatening divorce You may think threatening divorce sounds tough, but it eats at the foundation of your relationship.
Threatening divorce also affects intimacy. It calls commitment into question. You may find yourself emotionally detaching from your husband. Look for reasons to stay in your marriage instead of looking for reasons to get out.
Complaining about your husband to others is gossip. When you tell someone the negative attributes of your husband, you undermine your marriage. Complaining about your husband will make you vulnerable to an affair.
You may start to see yourself as a victim, which makes it easier to justify cheating. They may even encourage you to compromise your character. NA- I'm right there with you. Similar situation, but wife and I are under same roof, sleeping separately. Wife has said many of the phrases above. It has been about 4 months since d-day. As intelligent as she is she has little self-awareness about what she has done.
She is seeing a counselor and is struggling with breaking thing off with AP. Doesn't want the marriage due to my inattention to her needs. I praying God does a miracle here. She needs to turn a corner. Keep at it NA. Fight for this. Do warfare over the affair fog.. My hope is to be in the mature emotional place you are. Thank you for your generosity, I hope your wife will come home to a real man. My husband had not one but two back to back affairs shortly after dealing with his alcoholism - no longer drinking - a year ago.
I wont say he's sober because he certainly isnt following any principles of honesty espoused in a step program. I know this adds another layer of complexity to the issues but I truly believe the affairs were a substitution for, and another form of, addiction. That being said he has gone through each of the justifications cited above.
I so wish he would read this article, but he wont acknowledge the affairs and subsequent pain. He won't discuss any aspect there of instead laying the discord caused right at my feet. He won't give me closure and certainly no transparency. In fact, he treats me with disrespect and resentment.
I have yet to find someone in the blogisphere who is in a similar situation. I so agree that our spouse is not responsible for our happiness but a year of this has me absolutely miserable with my back against the wall wondering why I feel like this when I was not the one who betrayed my spouse or marriage.
Is that an additional justification - resentment over some thus far unknown? You forgot the "if God made me then he made me the way I am. So it's not my fault. I hated you so much. I have been stunned over and over again. We are recovering albeit slowly. He tells his parents we are doing "Great". Add self- delusion to self-absorbed. But heh I've lived with this for 23years what's another The Scarrs will always be there.
To pinch and burn and tear at us the betrayed. While all the while good ole Unfaithful is doing great!!!
It is my wife who is caught in an emotional affair. What a rabbit hole of lying and deception it is! I mean ZERO self-wareness for her at 4 months. Seeing a good counselor so thank God!
I find this utterly left out the holes poked into the betrayed. I see a lot more holes poked at me. I can relate. I was nit-picked, too. My ex said "you have no hobbies," I'm a mom or "you planned our honeymoon" We had a travel agent. They just have to be unhappy for some reason.
Any reason! If they can poke holes in us then they don't have to feel so bad about cheating. Hang in there! I could not relate to any of these, but my spouse did say that he did it because he was heavy into his alcohol addiction.
I find this kind of lame because it happened a few times over the course of three years. In my mind, even if you were drunk when it happened, after the first time, didn't you realize later that it was the worst thing you could have done and never do it again?
If it was just alcohol, how did it keep happening? You weren't drunk for three years straight. Or am I missing something about addiction and how it works?
Addiction requires a mindset to justify use of alcohol just like the justifications for infidelity. They have an alternative universe. Their perception of the situation and of us is do pervasive it is contagious.
It was hard for me to see the holes poked in me at first because I was not able recognize the absurdity. I truly turned myself inside out trying to change his perception of me. What a great article! My husband married his affair partner last year in December Our divorce was final in October He said she was his dream woman.
He still maintains what he did wasn't cheating because "in his heart our marriage was over," I was the one who wanted a divorce and I refused to go to counseling. After our marriage counselor referred him to another counselor I was told by her he would never get over his anger for me. I tried very hard to reconcile. I cannot follow this site on Facebook because he considers it "disparaging" of which we cannot be a part of per the divorce agreement.
What do you do about spouses who refuse help and leave for the affair partner with no remorse? After two years I still have to bear these justifications that continue to make me think I really was a horrible spouse. I know I wasn't as I have been told by counselors but these jabs are getting old. How long can an unfaithful spouse use these justifications?
I suppose the affair partner drives a lot of the hate towards the betrayed spouse so as to maintain something in common. Anyway, great article! My mom told me when we got engaged that the same thing would happen to us if we got married. I was convinced she was wrong and yet here we are 15 years later 9 months out of discovery of his affair with a coworker.
I feel incredibly stupid and deeply regret not listening to her. I know there are exceptions. I feel trapped with two impossible choices. I appreciate these videos and articles.
Thankful for community just no clarity or hope of a future that is desirable whatsoever. I agree with you. My husband's father also had an affair which ended his marriage. Then he married the AP and settled into a second unhappy marriage. I feel the same way and I saw you said you were attending a weekly group and counselor. How did you find them and can you point me in the right direction? Is the counselor a sexual addiction counselor? Or just marital counselor? I know were are probably states apart but I am in Charlotte, North Carolina and all I could find was a telephone group Cosa.
I even thought about starting my own group because i need the personal connections and support. I am feeling very helpless! Any help would be appreciated! Thank you. I have thought about starting a support group as well because I know there are others out there like me that would like to share their feelings. However, I live in a small town, and it would have to be very confidential. I fear some backlash from the woman that accused my husband of sexual harassment when she was clearly playing the game.
He was fired. If I entered his apartment, I knew it would change me forever. But I was also miserable in my marriage. It was not an impulsive decision to meet up with Joe. I put a profile on Ashley Madison, then removed it, then put another one on OkCupid and again decided against responding to the men who were writing to me.
But then Joe had written. He was cute, poly, and asked me to do yoga with him. What should I do? I wavered on the doorstep but then decided just to go ahead with it. I let Joe lead me back to his bedroom. I was sick of it. And so I joined the legions of other people who have cheated on their partners. I broke that promise — so does that make me a bad person? Part of me feels guilty.
I wish I would have just left my marriage. It would have been a more honest approach. However, to put forth the idea that my husband was some kind of innocent victim is naive. He had been neglecting and even emotionally abusing me for years by then.
After we lost everything in the financial crisis, my husband adopted a whole host of bizarre beliefs. He believed the 9—11 attacks were the result of a secret government plot. Every shooting massacre was a hoax , covertly orchestrated by our government to get us to give up our guns.
Aliens lived in underground tunnels in New Mexico. They came to our planet on antigravity spaceships.
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