You can then help them gain an understanding of what caused the incident and come up with ways to prevent future problems. Here are some tips for working with young people after an incident:. Discouraging bullying. Determining if a young person has a serious problem with aggression.
Working with young people who have mental health problems that may include aggressive behaviour. Please use those skip links to access easily : Click here to go to the navigation. Click here to go to the content.
Click here to go to the footer. Click on the X button or press the ESC key to close this lightbox. About this asset. Click here to see the meta data of this asset. Managing aggression. Control your body language and tone of voice Through our gestures, postures and facial expressions we express physical, mental or emotional states and communicate them non-verbally to others.
Do: keep your voice calm and even keep your facial expression as neutral as possible to avoid showing emotion maintain eye contact to show you are giving attention, but don't insist that the young person maintain eye contact with you make sure the person has enough physical space if you need to, take a few seconds to calm yourself down before interacting. Don't: shake or wave your fingers in the young person's face put your hands on your hips glare, sneer, scowl or frown get too close yell or sigh in exasperation slam doors, books or other objects.
Stay calm When you are confronted with a child or youth who is behaving aggressively, you may find yourself becoming angry or frustrated. Offer a way out Offer a young person a way out of the situation.
Don't make threats Don't give warnings about consequences that you are not prepared to follow through on. Don't make predictions Saying, "You always do this when…" reinforces negative behaviours.
Wait for the right moment Wait to talk to a young person about inappropriate behaviours until after an incident involving aggression is over, when everyone has calmed down. Maintain safety Make sure that the young people and staff members who are present during an incident involving aggression are safe at all times. Deal appropriately with threats In most cases, children or youth who make threats don't carry them out.
Always take matters seriously if a young person threatens: to hurt or kill someone to hurt or kill himself or herself to damage or destroy property. After an incident is over Once an incident involving aggression is over—and everyone has calmed down—it is time to talk things over with the young people who were involved.
Here are some tips for working with young people after an incident: Talk to each of the young people in private. Be respectful. Not having enough healthy food to eat can also lead to a child being more likely to get triggered. Making a plan to make sure kids eat healthy food right before school, at recess, at lunch, and right after school can help. Medical or psychological issues. Even if a child is not acting aggressively, checking for potential underlying problems is important anytime a child seems to struggle without an obvious reason why.
For example, my daughter at age 8 was having terrible trouble learning to read. No problem showed up on her regular check-up but, when I mentioned my concern to my own eye doctor in casual conversation, he checked her eyes out.
Her relief at having a reason why she was having more trouble than her classmates was enormous. And, after a few months of adaptive physical education, she started to read easily and joyfully. Once you have identified possible triggers, experiment by making a change and seeing if it helps. Try slowing down the day, increasing physical activities, reducing stimulation, an extra snack, a long bath, cuddle and story time before bed, controlling body temperature, etc.
Minimizing triggers is unlikely to stop all explosive behavior, but it can help children to have the best chance to prevent and control this behavior. Teach children how to recognize and manage the feelings and actions that lead to unsafe behavior.
Discuss what is going on to help the child understand. Acknowledge that feeling angry and frustrated is normal but that we have to learn how to feel our feelings while staying safe with our bodies. Tell stories about times when you felt angry and hit or kicked. Discuss characters in books that make these kinds of mistakes. Act out situations with toys to show the problem and safe solutions. Make little books about the behavior the child is working on.
Provide ways to use aggressive energy safely. All children benefit from having opportunities to be successful in being active and learning new things while staying emotionally and physically safe and in control of what they say and do.
Yoga, for example, can be a fun way for children to practice getting centered using their bodies in strong, peaceful ways. So can the right kind of martial arts program. When the child is calm, practice Kidpower skills as a fun and interesting way to be safe with people.
Even children as young as two have been successful in learning and using these skills. Calm Down Power — stopping himself from being upset. Practice by having him pretend to be upset and then breathing slowly and deeply in and out, squeezing the palms of his hands together, and straightening his back. Remind him to use his Calm Down Power when he starts to get upset by coaching him through these motions and then congratulate him when he manages to do this even partially.
Mouth Closed Power — stopping herself from saying something that might be hurtful or inappropriate. Younger children might need to practice by pushing their lips together AND putting their hands over their mouths to help them to stop.
You can rehearse by going over a situation that happened i. You can then come up with other situations. Do it multiple times a day at first. Reward her for practicing—a big hug, hi five, saying how proud you are, are all ways to make her feel good about learning.
Hands Down Power — stopping himself from hitting or hurting others. This can be done by pressing his hands down at his sides or putting them into his pockets so they are hard to get out. Role-play situations. Reward him for being safe with his hands —you may find an actual reward chart is helpful with this —with small tangible rewards that you phase out as he gets better at self-control. Move Away Power — moving herself to a quiet spot to calm down. Make a quiet space for her at home, school, etc.
Her adults need to be able to come and check in with her quickly if she moves to this space to provide support if she needs it. Walk Away Power — moving away from trouble. Practice by pretending to be a kid who is about to push or poke, without actually doing this to the child. Coach the child to leave with an attitude that is aware, calm, respectful, and confident.
Use practice as a natural consequence of making unsafe choices. Stop a child from being aggressive immediately and firmly, with loving support and simple clear language. I feel sad. Do not hit me. I love you very much. You are a good person. Try to use the same simple language each time. Create a plan for how to prevent and handle outbursts for every place the child might be. If you have children who need help with anger management, anticipate potential problems and make a plan.
Teaching them how to calm themselves down when they feel upset is a skill that will serve kids their whole lives. Children are different. What works well in helping one child to handle intense feelings may be different for another child.
Here are some specific suggestions from a Head Start and Kindergarten teacher whose students who struggled with being safe with their bodies and their words. Create a family plan for how to handle outbursts. You may need a few of them one for when he feels very sad, one when she feels frustrated, etc. Describe the situation with each step that happens and that you want to have happen. Help your child make a new plan by breaking things down. For example, start with a story about what actually happens: 1 Lara feels angry, 2 Lara hits, 3 Friend gets hurt.
You may need to make the steps VERY simple at first, but write them down on a big piece of paper with pictures, or as a little book with drawings, or on big flashcards. Give in-the-moment coaching. When a problem starts to come up, coach your child to follow his plan.
These consequences include negative effects on your body and taking away from your enjoyment of the present moment. You cannot feel angry and happy at the same time--it's impossible! Therefore, you have a choice--anger or happiness! People who habitually choose anger over happiness lead frustrated, angry lives--not happy ones. Remind yourself of these consequences to get more control of your anger.
Say to yourself, "Self, why choose anger when I can choose to think thoughts that produce happiness? My wife Sherry and I have developed a simple formula for overcoming anger which we often use when we face something unchangeable. When something goes wrong that is out of his control, Pooh Bear says simply, "It's the way of things. So just remember--even though we can never understand it all--the most basic understanding of all is--"It's the way of things.
Think about someone who severely attacked you physically or verbally. What was that experience like? The fear, hurt, and anger of that memory can stay with you the rest of your life. The aggression may create some small measure of lasting resentment and distance between you and the person who delivered the attack. The aggression can cause lowered trust and a lasting fear that they may hurt you again.
The same lesson can be applied when you hurt someone else--whether you mean it or not. You may be "conditioning" your partner to fear or resent you instead of loving you! Fear and resentment are incompatible with love. Is this kind of permanent damage what you really want when you are verbally or physically aggressive toward someone you care about?
You can hurt and alienate your partner with even mild "name-calling" or negative "labeling. The effect can be greatly exaggerated with someone who is sensitive to criticism or anger. Think about the consequences before you attack someone or speak out of anger. Instead, try empathy; assume their best intentions; and be calm and diplomatic. Think about your expression of anger in your most important relationship s. Are you driving a small wedge of permanent distance between you and your loved one each time you hurt them?
Picture that wedge each time you are tempted to attack. Instead, choose constructive expressions of anger such as talking about feelings and issues. If you are angry at someone, focus on your top goal in life--to maximize happiness for yourself and others.
Choosing love and happiness--even when you feel angry--strengthens your Higher Self. Focus on loving yourself. Reach deep inside and find the part of you your Higher Self that loves this other person unconditionally i. Focus on those feelings of love and on the goal of seeking a "win-win" solution.
Try to understand their point of view as well as your own. If you are successful in producing a "win-win" solution, you will have a "triple win:" getting your own original needs met, 2-eliminating your own self-destructive anger toward the other, plus possibly 3-getting the other person to feel closer to you "winning them over".
The best way to eliminate an enemy is to make him or her your friend! Observe your own emotions when you are in a frustrating situation. If you see that you are starting to feel too angry, anxious, or guilty, then take a "time-out. Time-outs can be effective even if they are only one to five minutes long. Use your time out to clarify what you want or how you want to deal with the other person. To take a time-out, you might say, "I need some time to think about what we have been talking about.
I would like to continue our conversation [in a few minutes, at a later time, etc. Similarly, if you observe that the other person is getting too upset and is not dealing constructively with the situation, take a time-out. You could say the same thing as before, or say, "It looks like we're both getting upset, and if we can't discuss this more calmly, then I will need to take a time-out.
Take the time-out in the early stages of a conflict, don't wait until it has gotten destructive. Take time-outs as often as is necessary to keep things reasonably calm and productive. See Chapter 6. You have heard the expression, "Get your anger out" to get rid of it. Freud used the analogy of a steampot that will burst if the energy is not released. To some degree the analogy is accurate.
Anger causes high levels of arousal and energy--energetic activity releases it. Research has supported the idea that anger leads to a high arousal, high energy state that can last for hours--or even longer. During that time, we are more prone to renewed anger. Energetic activities use the energy and help dissipate that extra arousal.
Therefore, in addition to internal methods of reducing anger, it is important to dissipate anger by energetic actions. Try exercise, walking, running, sports, physical labor, or other energetic activities--especially those that make you feel good. Many people take Freud's analogy farther. They believe that in order to get rid of their anger, they must "Get their aggression out" by doing something destructive or harmful to some other person or some thing.
Many people--even some therapists--mistakingly believe that aggressive or confrontive expressions of anger are the only way that we can "get our anger out. Research has shown that this belief is not true. It is true that any energetic behavior reduces anger by dissipating the arousal.
It is also true that the resulting "good feeling" reinforces the destructive behavior. However, reinforcing aggressive behavior means that it will become a stronger habit. People using aggressive behavior to "get rid of their anger" tend to become more--not less--aggressive. Research evidence supports this conclusion. A better way to reduce anger is to do something constructive and energetic such as exercise, sports, or doing something physically active that helps solve the problem.
What about "honest" aggressive behavior? How would you feel if someone called you "stupid," "selfish," or a string of other negatives and then said, "I just wanted to be honest about how I feel? How constructive was it to the relationship? The aggressive statement may have been honest in the sense that it reported their thoughts at an angry moment. However, was it the whole picture? Or was their "honesty" just a series of anger-induced thoughts that were intended to hurt you in order to get even for some perceived harm?
Wouldn't it be more constructive if the person told you that he or she really cares about you, but is angry over something you did? Wouldn't it be more constructive if the person took time to listen to your point-of-view and work on constructive solutions to the problem?
Which approach is better? Aggressive "honesty" or a thoughtful, assertive honesty? List ways you deal with frustrating situations. What thoughts increase your anger?
Which words or actions are harmful to others, your relationships, or yourself? Examples: Yelling, swearing, attacking, throwing things, eating, smoking, drugs, avoiding the problem, or taking it out on someone else. What thoughts and actions would be more constructive? Sports, exercise, biking, walking, running, doing chores, laughing, and even constructive talking can help reduce anger's arousal.
The more vigorous the activity, the more effective. Follow the suggestions above and in chapter 6 to develop a plan of how to deal assertively with situations where you tend to be angry and aggressive or non-assertive.
Seek win-win solutions. Either expression of anger can reduce the anger's arousal, either can be reinforcing; but aggressive responses tend to make people more aggressive. Tom G. Stevens PhD. Self-Help and other resources on this website and site map.
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